Ew Life…

I don’t even know where to start explaining my life right now. I’m not in a good place. My new job has never been secure. I’m on a temporary contract so I can be told not to come back with no notice. When we were hired in September we were told that we were temp staff as a merger was about to happen with the company and we would be taken on a permanent after that. However, the merger happened this week and everything has changed. No one knows what is happening, but the plan has definitely changed and I’m definitely not being made permanent. That means in less than a year I will definitely have to move on again. It was never my plan to be in my current job longer than 2 years, but now I know that I don’t have a choice in this.

A complaint was put in against me at work which was discussed last week. The complaint was all a misunderstanding and everything is okay now, but it really shook me. I was having a bad anxiety day anyway, then I was taken across to HR and was told what had happened. I started crying almost as soon as I walked in the door, and things just escalated from there. I ended up having a full blown anxiety attack… hyperventilating and all. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I had an attack that bad. Luckily my senior is really lovely and she saw how upset I was when I came back to the office. She sent me a message asking if I was okay which obviously just set me off again, I walked out of the office and she took me to a small office upstairs where she stayed with me until I had calmed down. I can’t thank her enough for that, and all the lovely things she said about me that day. It really means a lot to me that she can see my potential, and that has been shown this week with a team shake up where I have been moved teams to give me even more experience.

A lot of my problems at work are because of my age. I’m 40 years younger than some of my colleagues and this is my first finance job, so I obviously lack certain skills and experience. There aren’t many people on the team that are as young as me, and there is no one in the office that I really click with. I get on with people, but there’s no one that I would consider a friend.

This continues outside of work. I lost my best friend last year because she decided that a boy was more important than me. Although she treated me like shit for years, and I can see that now, I still miss her. To be honest I miss how much I could trust her more than anything else. I think it hurts more because I know she doesn’t miss me at all. I have friends, but no one has been able to fill that gap yet.

All I want is someone that I can talk to and trust 100% without feeling like I’m annoying them. My confidence has plummeted and I can’t see any way to pick it back up.

Nox

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