I’ve just had the most incredible 10 days, seeing Les Miserables on the West End, visiting the Harry Potter Studio Tour again, climbing over the O2 Arena, seeing the Cursed Child Play and seeing McFly 3 nights in a row, all without a single anxiety or panic attack I’ve spent the whole of today as a huge ball of anxiety. Usually being in London triggers my anxiety pretty badly, especially my eating, but this time I was completely fine and enjoyed myself more than I have in a long time. But now I’m back home and have spent all day in tears.
I start my new job tomorrow, which surprisingly hasn’t actually caused me too much anxiety so far, but I’ve already failed. The plan was to stay at my Godmother’s house until I found a place of my own, but the thought of staying with her fills me with unbelievable anxiety which isn’t normal for someone my age. So today my parents and I talked through all of the options I had, and I hope I’ve come to the right decision, commuting for over 2 hours a day so that I can stay at home. It definitely isn’t an ideal situation and I’m not happy with it, I’m 23 years old and shouldn’t have to stay at home with my parents, but it’s the only option I have to keep my anxiety relatively under control.
I’m back to feeling how I felt when I was at university, I thought I’d managed to get past this, over the past 6 months my anxiety has dramatically decreased, to a level where it is definitely livable with, but in the past 24 hours it has spiked right back up. I always felt like a failure when I had to come home every weekend, if not more often, from my university accommodation because I didn’t feel comfortable.
Anxiety is such a hard condition to understand and most of the time it doesn’t make any sense, but its something I have to learn to live with. One day I’ll be able to live a normal life, but right now I’m staying at home and commuting every day in order to be a partly functioning adult.