I’ve never been very good at expressing how I feel. I remember going to the doctor when I was first diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and she told me I explained how I was feeling really clearly, but I think by that point I had been feeling the same way for so long and knew I really needed help.
I hate being the centre of attention, something which I’ve had to come to terms with being a guide leader and often talking to 20+ girls at a time. I do everything I can to avoid standing out, I wear dark clothes so as not to draw attention to myself, I hardly ever wear make up or do anything to my hair. The thought of people talking about me fills me with such fear that I have to stop myself thinking about it multiple times a day. This is why I’ve always found it hard to express my feelings, I don’t want people talking about me. I’ve thought so often on how easy it would be for me to leave and start a new life as a hermit, and I honestly think very few people would miss me. As long as I had an unlimited supply of books I would be happy.
I’ve tried blogging several times in the past, usually about my mental health in an effort to educate people, but I’ve always given up after a few posts as they felt too personal. I’m trying to step outside my comfort zone, I can openly talk to people in person about my anxiety and how it impacts on my life, so why shouldn’t I do it online and reach a larger audience. I think part of what has stopped me in the past is the thought of my parents finding out what I really think, they obviously know that I suffer from anxiety and they’ve seen me at my very worst, like the time I was almost hospitalised because I had such a bad panic attack (after one of the most incredible nights of my life!), but I’ve never really told them how useless my anxiety makes me feel sometimes. How I loathe the fact that I couldn’t experience university life properly because I had to come home every weekend for my mental health. How I hate that I always have to think about my mental health, how much sleep I’m getting, when I’m eating and how much I’m trying to take on. I’ve lost friends over the fact that anxiety is so exhausting, I struggle to get through the day without a nap, I’m not just tired I’m fatigued, something that unless you’ve experienced it you probably won’t understand. I want to live a normal life. I want to be able to go on exciting trips not having to worry if I’ll have an anxiety or panic attack and ruin the whole experience. I want to know that I can move away from home and not be affected like I was when I went to university, but that still terrifies me.
I was once told during one of my bad spells that I was blaming everything on my anxiety, what this person failed to understand is how anxiety managed to weave its way into every part of your life. I changed as a person because I was so fed up of having anxiety attacks every night and having to go to therapy once a fortnight. I was exhausted because I was having so many anxiety attacks and I wasn’t able to sleep properly even though I was so fatigued. I couldn’t be the person that people knew me as as I just didn’t care anymore.
I don’t know if its growing up being so engrossed in the world of Harry Potter, but I have never feared death. For as long as I can remember I have always thought there are far worse things than dying. As the great Albus Dumbledore once said “It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.” There have been many times over the past few years when I would have happily embraced death, one of those times being now. I am not suicidal, but I wouldn’t be opposed to dying.
So this is my latest attempt at blogging, and I fully intend to keep it up this time. I hope it can be therapeutic to me and help me work through some things.
Until next time